My mantra in life is The Universe will unfold as it should and I trust in God’s unfolding. It’s an easy mantra to spew and believe in when things are going as they should. But when my world is shaken up, even just a bit, I find myself either choking on those words or qualifying them. They tend to get lost in the middle of my pity parties.
These last two weeks have been difficult. I had ankle surgery which put me in a recliner for most of the day. I am beginning to move around more, eating at the table again, and venturing on small errands here and there, but for most of the day, my ass is firmly glued to the recliner. Boredom sets in very quickly, especially for someone like me who has ADD tendencies. There are only so many Will & Grace reruns I can watch, magazine I can flip through, romance novels I can try to concentrate on and Words with Friends games I can play before I get utterly and totally BORED! Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind seclusion. I don’t mind alone time. I believe in inner reflection and quiet time. But the part I don’t like of my behind-on-the-recliner routine is the loneliness. Being alone and being lonely are two separate and different feelings.
In the midst of my boredom, I received a phone fall today. It was from my boss telling me I will be gone once my contract is up at the middle school I work at due to budget cuts. I like my boss and I would like to think he likes me. I respected his phone call. I admired his ability to tell me straight out. It’s a hard job being an administrator during budget cuts and I knew the phone call was not easy for him. This is has been the second job I have lost in the past two years. Both have been jobs at middle schools and both have been because of budget cuts. This particular loss is hitting me harder than I thought it would because I adore the people I work with as they are one of the nicest group I have ever encountered hands down, at any job. And, I love being in touch with kids all day. It wasn’t a shocker to me. I knew the layoffs were coming and I knew my place on the seniority list. I even kept hearing Sox announcer’s, Ken Harrelson’s voice in my head saying “She Gone!“. Once in a while Hall & Oats song “She’s Gone” would play too. (See, I am bored!) So no, it wasn’t a surprise per say, but with my boss’ confirmation, it became real.
I have spoken to a few friends and my family about my situations lately. After I explain them, my mantra hasn’t come out as easily. I do tend to go on and on about my feeling, my negative feelings. And, with me, I am not one to hold back those feelings. No big surprise to those who know me. My heart made an appearance on my sleeve at birth and I don’t think it’s going away any time soon. I do eventually end my conversations with a ‘BUT, I believe in the universe…etc. etc. Of course if I really did believe in the Universe, I probably wouldn’t be in the midst of my pity party. Or maybe the pity party is the Universe’s plan to get me to truly grasp what I spew. Too deep? Maybe. I was a Philosophy minor in college. I suppose in the end, my hope is just saying it enough – even with my pity thrown in – so I can find it again.